It's about time we climb out of the wreckage...
Wreckage. Ben Jelen
Feel the smallest changes, within ourselves within our pulse
I feel it all around me, cause its inside us and it surrounds us
And as one we'll learn to curve before we break.
Pulse. Ben Jelen
One of the biggest tragedies in life, I would have to say, is to discover that you have become someone that you hated. With that, I mean there are some instances in your life that you told yourself "I will definitely not be like that," but in the end, you would realize that it happened otherwise. I hate to admit it, but that was exactly what happened to me this week. This has been the longest week I've had, by far. I thought it is not going to end...well, it hasn't end, yet, but I have never felt more exhausted like I do now.
Most often than not, when people do not reciprocate, or worse, even acknowledge the effort you exerted, you can't help but be angry and try to find ways to retaliate. It is an impulse reaction. If you let your emotions rule over your temperament, that is always the outcome. I didn't know I have always been like that all along. As far as I know, I definitely made sure that I control my impulse and think lots of times before I do something. Apparently, I am not. When a particular circumstance, or even a person, is concerned, my emotions overpower me like a huge and heavy hollow block surprisingly handed over to me. The sad part here is, the outcome is embarrassingly irreversible. What's worse, I brought in more spectators in this chapter of my life. It became a domino effect, one negative thing led to the other. I was left with no other choice but to give up, acknowledge my weakness, and just cry. All of those negative feelings that I felt--pain, sadness, self-pity, fear and insecurity were just so overwhelming that it exhausted me. I was even too exhausted to incorporate anger and hate already. I believe I pretty much realize that even if I have become the person I don't want to be, at least I might be able to salvage something by not being angry and full of hatred in my being. The last thing that I really want to become is to be bitter...I believe I have had enough of that.
At first, I tried to fully avoid. It was hard. I believe that made me more tired of moving on. But then again I was suddenly told of positive thinking. To put passion and sincerity on what I want to happen in my life. Of course, in this case, I wanted to feel whole, complete, genuinely happy and of course, feel peace from within. Another sad discovery is, I have always thought that fulfilling the fantasy I created would be enough to complete me. To fully tell myself and everyone around me that I have lived the life I wanted to be. I was wrong. And the main reason why is that my fantasy didn't include me and what I really want to happen to ME. I never expected the gravity of the punishment I have to serve by being selfless. I ended up not really knowing who I really am...and what I really want. Or if I fully want this thing that I thought I want so much [should this make sense].
Now I am more determined than ever to make a stand, to have an intimate relationship with myself, and talk to myself more often now than before, and ask myself every now and then, to know if these things that I am thinking, wishing, and even doing right now are the things that will complete me. There is indeed no one who can complete me but me. If this someone out there is out to fill the gap/s, I think the concept here is loving and accepting me for who I am and what I have become. I was told that when you love yourself fully and genuinely, it would ooze out from your system and shall eventually spread to people who see you like an outbreak. I wanted that to happen to me. It will definitely be hard to pick up the pieces again, especially after all these years, but as what everyone says, it is definitely never too late. I was advised that I now take the blame to myself. That all of these happening is entirely my doing. There is nothing more, or less I can do about it except to apologize to the people who saw and felt it [at least, the gravity of the outcome], and finally, apologize to myself and try my very best thereafter on becoming a better person. The only difference this time is that, I will make sure that if I am going to do some mental and emotional makeover, it will definitely not be designed anymore to please the people around me, but I will make sure that I would be able to please me on this change. A total cool change, as what an old song goes.
Although, there is still part of me that wishes that I won't be doing this growing up thing alone, but in life, a person fully grows up if he/she realizes it and pursues it alone. I guess I should not defy Fate on this, this time. I still really do not know how this part of my life will end, but one thing I can really assure to myself and to the people who loves me is that I will definitely walk through this. They may be baby steps, despite my old age and all, but I will make sure that those tiny steps that I'm going to make will definitely lead me to love and my nirvana.
And I am definitely certain that that is the faint light I am now seeing in the horizon.
 | what you need is a hug....yan din kailangan ko ngayon eh!hehehe
mwaaaahhhh |
 | nope, wala pa...and yes, dito lang me online. i am soooo hooked sa tour diary ni ben dear yun ang pinapanood ko since kagabi pa...hehehehehehe!!
i will listen to the song later...:) link naman yun, di ba?:P
now I am considering na talaga of making a myspace account...:P |
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what you need is a hug....yan din kailangan ko ngayon eh!hehehe
